Like the Hatfields vs. McCoys, Microsoft vs. Apple, The Commodores vs. solo era Lionel Ritchie the rivalry between McDonald's and Burger King is long standing and it's followers can be intensely fanatical or just kinda weird where you will make a note to friends not to include them when your out and about because the night will end in tragedy, tears or your feigning a death in the family just to get the hell out of there.
Off the top of my head there are two Burger Kings in Salisbury NC. I'm guessing there are more, but that's all I got at the moment. There's one right off the exit ramp on 85, the other a few blocks from the other exit ramp off 85, namely the corner of Jake and Lexington.
I ate at that one, and that's where the tragedy begins.
You know those commercials where you see those hamburgers made with the skill of a master hamburger Samurai ? Well, I already know that's all crap but somehow I still wanted to go to Burger King, as Jerry Stiller once said; the body is a machine, don't get picky with what you feed it. So I figured a man with the silken complexion of a Norwegian Supermodel should be the barometer in which I decide what lunch to eat when I justify not going to the gym all week.
I'll cut to the chase, the line at register was all backed up, and when it came out that burger was nasty. It had a metallic taste, the soda had a metallic taste. I was eating catsup to get that nasty taste out of my mouth and thats nasty. But the real nasty didn't begin 'till I got back to my desk. I'll spare details but I have a terrific fear of throwing up in a public restroom so I went home. Actually I didn't go home right away because my truck would not start. Out of the blue my vehicle got a sick as I was and would not turn over. Earlier in the day I was going to tell W.C. Steve S. not to leave shit in my car, he left a Diet Dr. Pepper bottle half drunk in the baby seat, and my lazy ass did not throw it out. Good thing for procrastination because I poured Dr. Pepper on my battery terminals and a minute later my truck started, and I made it a few miles out of the parking lot before I had to stick my head out the window. It's not strange that I drive past a half million cows on the way home but it got me thinking about burgers, and even weirder I was listeing to a John Hodgman podcast where he made a ruling on a man who would randomly say "cow" and set off his 30 year old son. The podcast began with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi, about the holiness of cows, maybe cows, who knows, I think it was cows. I'm not going to stop eating cows, I'm not going to eat them at every meal out of spite either but for an animal that gives us milk, meat, and who's poos are essential for crop growing and hallucinogenics I need to be a little more respectful, and Burger King needs to be a little more respectful of the food they serve, that means no more shoe prints on my meat, no more spitting on the buns and if your going to maul billions and billions of cows show some respect and not make me throw up when I eat them.
Anyway, Burger King on Jake Alexander, Zero Stars out of Five.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
and to keep with the cow motif; that place was bullshit!
Editors Note:
None of the stars are filled up, otherwise it would look like this
one star:
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
two
★★ ☆ ☆ ☆
ok, you get the picture.
Use these stars when trying to rate stuff so you don't have to find them on the web but I encourage any other rating system including but not limited to Thumbs, Smiley Faces, Spock Ears (great for "nerd" stuff), etc.
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