Troyers, Salisbury NC
 ★★★★★ (Dyn-o-mite!)


You know, the word sandwich is thrown around a lot these days, and why not. What other word in the English or any other language evokes so much emotion? Love? War? Jockstrap? Kittens? Kittens sorta comes close though. And you know I could expatiate for pages about the history of the sandwich, how the Earl of Sandwich invented the first bungee cord to steal the first sandwich from the Witch King of Angmar who died brokenhearted trying to eat an unopened box of Lucky Charms between two particles board he found discarded at a construction site but I won't,not because I don't

(brokenhearted or fatal bowel obstruction, history belongs to the nemishes.)

have the ability to ramble on and on about nothing seemingly for ages. I had this whole passage about growing up in Nassau County, a guy who drove a sandwich truck, nostalgia, but Whoa Ahab! did I get off topic! Highlight paragraph, delete, kill your darlings. Was that Hemingway or Shari Lewis when she hacked up Lambchop who said that? Anyway I went to this Amish place on Friday called Troyers, it used to be Yoders but I think Yoder lost a huge bet on a sketchy MMA throw-down out in Cleveland NC a few weeks ago and some other Amish goons muscled him out, but short story long, I went in and got a sandwich from these guys and as the Amish are fond of saying "Holy lizard shit Malachi! This freegin' sandwich is nuts!"

So yea, I got sliced Chicken,  they must have cut the equivalent of 12 whole chickens worth of meat on this samich, and the bread was like lotion, buttered lotion! the pepper cheese clocked in at a non-fatal dose of scoville units and they were cutting it like they did not own it, but they did!

Raz-a-mataz bitches!

Cream soda and a briefcase sized rice krispie treat later I was  stuffed like a the proverbial farmer who's corn bears the defiled stank of the jazzercising incubus. (He who is ritually gorged with sarsaparillas until they burst apart like a pinata at Micky Rourkes coke fueled birthday, but in a good way.)

Furthermore the gentle old woman in the apologized to me for me not remembering to take the fuckin Rice Krispie treat. "Seriously?" I told her. "I'm the one who fucked that up." Gee that was awful nice though.

Final verditc: New York, your sandwich title just got it's ass kicked by some good old fashioned Amish karate.

Where to eat and where to not (eat)

Avoid Like the Plague (AKA "THE LIST")
 Checkered Flag: Burgers named after NASCAR drivers which are probably made from NASCAR drivers. Gave Jaya a bad case of the sugarshits and he eats Indian food, he's Indian.
Everyone in there has a gun (except Jaya), that place will never get robbed. There's a pawn shop across the street if you need a gun to go in there, you probably do because the owner will never leave your table as she talks about her husband, or law enforcement or (surprise) guns.
It's next to the Coke bottling building on that road that goes to the gun show. Fuck Street?

Burger King (Jake Alexander): Have it your way, have it tampered with too. If you value your ass as a voulntary muscle go the the other Burger King on the other side of town, I think it's Innis.

Jersey Mikes (Jake Alexander, next to Harris Teeter) : Used to be good, lately their portions are very shitty. I just ate there and had a sub in a tub and mini samich and it was a lot of bread and lettuce and no food. Food me once Jersey Mike shame on you, fool me twice: go fuck yourself, I'll go to Harris Teeter and get twice the sandwich for half the price.

Don't Worry, They've Already Closed
Bailey's (The Mall)  Once awesome with great grilled Chicken, then they got crazy and your meal was waitresses running over with bowls of shit they kept giving you that you didn't want and telling everyone they were going to have to start dressing really slutty so you'd keep coming back.Well the slutty thing never happened so bad food and they lied to me, they lied to all of Salisbury damnit!

Chic Filet (the Mall) If you've got a $1,000,000.00 burning a hole in your pants an anti-gay hate group should not be the charity your playing for. One of my co-workers didn't like it because they hired special needs employees, and I'm like; fuck that! those little dudes make the sandwich like they show on the commercial. If I open a fast food place I'm hiring only those crazy bastards, and they're like all happy just to be wearing a paper hat, you can't put a price tag on that, ok, you can put a price tag on that, it's minimum wage. Hire a special needs character, that's a stone cold win.

Let the Bacchanal Begin! (GOOD/F-I-N-E FINE)
Thelmas (The Mall): Salisbury Mall is as Mike put it, "The Saddest Mall in America" and yup, it is (see Baily's, etc) except for the Chinese food place which was really good and Thelma's which is on the level of Lutèce, Jean-Georges, or Peter Lugars. Bull shit you say? Bull true mutherfucker. There's nothing that's not good there, the shit is off the wall and the portions are enough to put even the fattest Salisburian to sleep trying to digest a pile of Mac and Cheese that your ass could climb and plant the North Carolina flag on.

Innes St. Drugs (?): If you want an ice cream soda that will blow your fucking socks off you need to go there. They also have a 44oz. Ice cream soda challenge that there are like 3 people in, and one of them is a pastor, I guess he didn't see the part in the bible about gluttony being a sin and all that (Philippians 3:18-19), also when you write in the sign up sheet that your a Pastor in an ice cream eating contents isn't that bragging? Is he trying to get God to miracle 44 oz's of moose tracks in his fat ass in under two minutes? I stay awake at night thinking of that shit and it makes my head hurt. Also the girl who served us our Ice Cream was mean as a rattle snake at a Thai wedding. What the fuck! Don't get mad at me 'cus your boyfriend was making out with BFF, I don't give a shit, I just want fuckin' Ice Cream.